Chris' doggy passed away and he was sick all weekend.. but i just wanna take a moment and say that we had one of the nicest weekends together that we have had in a looooong time.. in my opinion that is. we went to the movies and saw Sweeny Todd on Friday with his good friend Andy, the movie was good. i was so sleepy that i kept nodding off during the end though. who would have thought Johnny Depp could sing? not me.. but lo and behold he is not bad at all. then came home and cuddled all night and all day Saturday. literally.. i don't think we got out of bed until 4pm. i knew he was sick so i didn't wanna make him get up so i just crawled back into bed and held him.. it was soooo nice. good i missed doing that.. then.. we had plans for Chris to make me and my friend and her husband dinner on Saturday night.. he felt well enough to do it.. turns out that it probably exerted him for he ended up feeling worse as the night wore on.. but i tried to be as un-abrasive and non annoying as possible cause i know how i am when I'm sick and i know i want someone to take care of me.. so i tried to practice the "golden rule" and do unto others... yeah.. but then we cuddled all night Saturday and on Sunday we went and got some stuff at the dollar store and such.. we also made brownies together.. it was really cute and boy oh boy were the brownies delicious!!!! now.. sadly Chris has returned home for he does not have the luxury of having off tomorrow like myself..

i hate when our weekends come to an end.. especially when it was such a pleasant one together with each other.. it just reinforces all the reasons that i love him.. he he.. yeah.. it was really nice.. we didn't even do anything spectacular but it seemed so great to relax and just enjoy each other and America's next top model. god how i love that show.. i could watch the rerun marathons forever.

good night.. gotta do laundry tomorrow. BOO!!!!

Tags: chris, movies, weekend
Current Location: home
Current Mood: cheerful

i have been acting strangely lately chris says.. well yes of course i have.. we have been fighting and he seems so distant and withdrawn from me.. i told him the other day that i love him and the i want to do everything in my power to make us work.. he said he does too.. but i can't really tell.. i call him.. he is moody and doesn't seem as if he really wants to talk.. i ask whats wrong.. he says its the chicago trip.. but why do i get the mood and grump from that?? i am trying to talk to him and feel him out..

i have been very possessive of him lately.. but not really.. i have been stressed out and nervous about what is going on in his head.. he won't tell me.. then says it's the way i am acting that is making him weird.. all i wanna know is how he feels about us and whether he truly does wanna work on us.. is that so much to ask?? i didn't think so.. but maybe i'm wrong.. i just don't know what to do..

I mean maybe he is going to come over and tell me face to face that he doesn't think we are worth trying to salvage.. i have no clue and the vibes he is sending aren't leaving me too optimistic. i believe he loves me but he isn't giving me any communication or reassurance that he does want to be with me.. no, let me rephrase.. he isn't making me feel comfortable with his reassurance.. maybe he thinks what he is telling me is enough.. but isn't really telling me anything.. i feel like i hold no priority with him.. and that fucking hurts.. hurts so fucking bad!!!

i believe i have been trying to make us a better us and lately he has not been trying.. i'm not sure why.. but since i would say august when we had a very deep talk i have been trying to listen to him, be considerate of him and his feelings and to try to improve for him and myself.. he really hasn't.

i know that i hurt him.. and i have been trying to earn his trust back.. little by little.. he has hurt me and broken my trust.. however, every time i hand him back that trust.. he seems to throw it on the ground and stomp on it..

what i want to tell him now is that i don't care what he has done in the past 10 months.. well not that i don't care.. more so that i forgive him and want to look toward the future and not the past.. i don't know what he wants to do but i am tired of fighting. i am tired of being fearful of losing him for reasons unbeknownst to me.. i and tired of not knowing what is wrong with nim and him not letting me in..

i'm just tired.. but i will fight for him until i no longer can or until he tells me that it is futile.. i love him with all my heart and sincerely hope that we can start to rebuild our life together..

Tags: chris, fight, hope, love, relationship, sad
Current Location: home
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: none

one last go round.. i want to try.... i want to work... we shall see.
hopefully this is the last chance either of us has to give..

So.. chris works in new york and i only get to see him on the weekends as it is for his commute is 3 hours each way.. we have not been doing so great lately.. fighting alot and other things that i am not gonna put out there.. however today just takes the fucking cake!!!

chris was supposed to come over tonight because he is going to chicago for the weekend.. so if he didnt come over i would not see him from this past sunday until next friday.. 2 weeks not seeing my boyfriend!! now.. as i said we have not been doing so well.. especially earlier this week. i told him that i would like him to stop by tonight so i could see him and have some time with him before he leaves. he agreed and said he would be over after he packed and before he went to barney's. that was fine with me.. i came home to wait for him and i knew that he and barney had come back from new york together.. so i texted him and asked if barney was going to his house with him.. he said he thought so..

at this point i was a little irritated.. i wanted some boyfriend time with chris.. obviously if barney was coming to my house with him.. that would be limited. but whatever.. i texted him and asked if we could run to the store before he headed out and he said that was fine.. then called me 5 minutes later and asked what i needed at the store cause he would just pick it up because they were in a rush.. so.. now i get pissed. i said what do you mean in a rush?? he told me that barney had not started packing yet and that he had other business to attend to..

so.. knowing that i would get 5 minutes alone uninterrupted with him before barney "had to go" i just told him fuck it.. don't worry about coming here. i was very upset with him before all this happened but that didnt mean i wanted to see him less.. and then just knowing that he was going to bend to barney's will instead of standing up for our relationship.. i didnt even want to deal with it..

now.. here is the kicker!! chris told his mom that i was going to chicago with them because there is no way she would let him go with just barney.. and i am suppose to lie for him.. for them.. so they can go and enjoy their little vacation without him having to worry about her. but they can't adjust their plans so that i can be fit in to have some quality time with my boyfriend before i go... WTF!?!?!?

so.. at this point i am seriously contemplating giving up this relationship and please don't think it is because of this isolated incident.. its many thing..

now he just called me and it is all my fault.. no no... this is something i am used to. very used to

i as of late i have been watching as my importance to chris has gradually faded.. i feel like i don't even hold a place in any of his priorities.. i think this may be it.. it makes me feel worthless and unwanted and noone deserves to feel like that..

WHAT DO I DO??????

Tags: barney, chicago, chris, fight, sad
Current Location: does it matter?
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: the beep of the phone i had to take off the hook

Let us talk about how Chris writes in his LJ and then manipulates how it is supposed to read in conversation. For example, in his current post titled "journaling" he makes it seem as if I am wrong in thinking that if he is going to write about me and our relationship, he should tell the whole story. Is that how he says it? Not at all, in my opinion he makes it seem as if I am in the wrong for feeling this way. He references the fact that it is a biased journal (well, of course) and that we have some good times.... at the very end. After he basically says that Barney always wanted him to leave everything out that Barney did wrong and just say what Chris did wrong. He goes on to say that he is falling into the same pattern in which I "believe" he is being unfair in reference to me in his journal.

Now, I could go on about all the wrongs he has done me. But, that would put me in a position of being a hipocrite for telling him that it is fucked up for him to talk about all the not so good things I did and leaving his reputation clean and pristine. So, I shall say that I have wronged him and he has wronged me. But, if you read his accounts of these situations you will see that I am always the bad guy.

In conclusion, I feel that if he doesn't want to give an accurate account of our relationship, then he shouldn't write about it at all. If, he doesn't want to give me a fair shot in the opinions of his loyal readers, he should reference me (good or bad) at all. I feel that the least he could do is talk about me equally with the good and bad even if he does not want to tell the things he does. In my heart I believe that the good far outweighs the bad, but the more I read his journal the more I feel that I may be way off base and will be totally blind sided when he takes some swayed advice from his "friends" and leaves me.

Current Location: in my room

it's almost xmas and i am not ready.... BOO!!!!!

so... i've decided that i need a job that requires less work and time then the one i have now. i hate  waking up before the sun and now getting home until it's setting... by oct it'll be dark when i leave home and dark when i leave work.... i may be fair skinned but sheesh! everyone needs to be in the light sometimes... though it is usually blocked out by the vicious shade that i cast. ;) i have to finish getting ready for work. sad. on the bright side... i can actually get some things done this weekend... no plans.

kisses

just got home.... had LOTS of fun in NY. got to spend time with the new friends i'm making... got to act a little touristy (hehe.... i'm a dork)... and i got to see junior!!! rocked it (apu)!! but i must say i am glad to be home. i missed my bed and my apartment... and i really missed and still do miss chris. it's strange that the reason we aren't together is because i wanted to be able to go out and have fun and not have anyone to answer to... or whatever.. but when i realized that i didn't have him to come home to.... i got sad. yeah.... weird. my feet are killing me... danced for hours then when the club closed... try to catch a taxi... no such luck. walked and walked and walked.... then just decided we would walk the whole way back to the apartment.... yeah... something like forty blocks or so.... at 5 in the morning after dancing all night. but it was a beautiful night/morning and bryce barney jeff (barney's piece from kc, mo) and myself had an awesome time... can't wait to go up again. october maybe. unless something else worth while comes up ;-)

Current Location: home sweet home
Current Mood: sleepy

junior this weekend.... excited? yes. please and thank you.... im typing this and i should really be packing. but im lazy. and i'm sleepy... people deciding to wake me up early on my day off.... BITCHES! you know who you are.... all of you!! anyways.... gotta do stuff now.

well.... i few days have went by and i feel sad every time i think about chris. i know that in my heart i did what was best for both of us. it doesn't take the pain away though. i know it will subside soon.... i hope. he seems to be doing better which is what i was worried about. so many things make me think of him though. i've slept with the stuffed rabbit he gave me the day we officially started dating every night since the break up. together or not i still love him.... hopefully time will allow us to heal and be friends.

Tags: break up, chris